Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Someone came in the potted fern
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
