Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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