I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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