she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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