I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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