Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
