i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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