Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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