Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
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He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
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dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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