im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
