Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
