god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
