Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
