If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
