Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
