she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
