hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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