no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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