paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
