Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
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