I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
that may or may not have been my penis.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
