We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
