what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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