Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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