Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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