I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
