i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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