It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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