filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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