boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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