When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
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I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
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on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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