Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
