No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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