I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
