I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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