Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The beer is more important than you right now.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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