Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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