guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
