Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
