you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
