He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize