as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
