I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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