she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
