I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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