My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
