Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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