Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
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She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
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when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.