Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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