So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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