Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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