You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's official drugs can't kill me
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
