He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
