im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
