I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
