So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
