So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
