my mouth tastes like poor choices
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
