did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
