Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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