You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
